did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
home. puking in laundry basket.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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