R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
