she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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