i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
