No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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