every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
