It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
