Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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