This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have already put on my inside pants.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
