A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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