i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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