I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
