So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
