Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
my liver is dry heaving
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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