they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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