shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
"it" just moved
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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