I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
