alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
