We're facebook friends in real life
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
