you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
