shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
