i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
