hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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