That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
