I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
