My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
