i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
