So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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