I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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