Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
