his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She has the best kind of daddy issues
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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