The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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