The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Randomize
