No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
