if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
