Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
