Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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