Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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