My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
