She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
