if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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