when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
