Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
