Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
