That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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