Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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