I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
