Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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