He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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