I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
